Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
