I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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