She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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