omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
