Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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