when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
