apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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