Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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