If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am mentally ready for anal.
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