You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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