Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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