you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
