My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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