I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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