I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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