forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
