She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
