just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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