Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
