he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
