you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
