I am in a vortex of obligation.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
