I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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