Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
