Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
