why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
