Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
