i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
