There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
