Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
