Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Randomize
