I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
