he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
