Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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