Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
