I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
