Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
