Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
