I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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