sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
