Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
