sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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