I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
