Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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