I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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