I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
