The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
