The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
