he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
