Why are handjobs necessary in class?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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