mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
40s are totally the cure
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
