I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's blow job season.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
