I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
