My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
